Mostly about my mother

I don't think that this particular entry is going to have special significance compared to the others that I've written. Just a way for me to get my thoughts down and let it all out.
At night I like to relax by playing the piano. The days are usually long and hard with Christopher. I'm amazed at how he can completely destroy the house, and he does it so quickly! I just finished cleaning up the kitchen, so now I feel good that at least one room in the apartment is clean. Tomorrow I hope to work on the living room, and maintain the cleanliness of the kitchen. Hopefully by the Friday I want to have all rooms of the apartment cleaned and orderly. My dad is coming up, which I'm happy about, my mom isn't, which is a disappointment, but nothing new unfortunately. She has been consitant with one thing, disappointing people, and lying. It's very frustrating. I'm finding it harder as I get older to continue to have a healthy relationship with her. She's bi-polar. She's very impulsive, and extremely depressed. She lies a lot, and on a few occasions has purposely hurt me as a way to get closer to my brother. I'll explain more on that later if I feel like it. Those who are close to me know the story, in fact most of them were there. I'm just not sure what to do with her anymore. When I talk with her on the phone I get really sick of listening to her excuses for EVERYTHING! I have told her once in my life how I felt and it went exactly how I thought it was going to go. She overreacted, said that I didn't love her, and completely blew up.
I am certain that if I told her to quit making up excuses and be responsible for her actions, that I'm sick of hearing her complain about everything, and turn everything into drama that she would refuse to talk to me anymore. I talk with her daily because I love her, and I'm very worried about her. She wasn't the type of mother that I needed when I grew up. Yes she was there for me, and I did grow up to be a great woman (I think :) ) however, she did a terrible job at setting a good example.
She smoked like a chimney, she did speed for half of my life (and according to my sister, denied but continued use for the other half) she smoked pot everyday until the day that I had my son. She refused to quit because it "helped her". Whatever. I told her that in order to see her grandson she needed to be clean, and to my knowledge she is, but unfortunately I have no proof, I am just going off of her word. We know how trust worthy she is. . .
You know I don't really consider myself to have a messed up life, but when I sit down and think of all of the things that have happened to me I'm amazed at how I turned out to be the person that I am now. I'm giving myself the credit though. I've never wanted to do drugs and never given into the the peer pressure when I could have. It wasn't good parenting that was instilled into my brain saying that you should say no to drugs, I guess it was because I didn't want the type of lifestyle that my mother had. I knew that I wanted to be a better person than that, I think I am.

Small Heart Attack

In the last month we have been to the E.R. 4 times for Christopher. The little booger is trying to give me a heart attack!
1st time: Ate peanut butter, had to apply his epi-pen and take him in for an allergic reaction.
2nd time: Got really sick, trouble breathing.
3rd time: X-rays from 2nd time weren't good looking and needed to do a check up.
4th time: TODAY!! Jumps into the bath tub while I am in in, gets stuck head down in the water for about 10 seconds, bring him up and he isn't breathing for 10 seconds.
Now I know that 10 seconds isn't that long, its quite possible to hold your breath for 20 seconds total, but he wasn't trying to hold his breath. Not breathing for 10 seconds when you bring him up because he's inhaled a lot of water is REALLY FREAKING SCARY!!
Well he checked out fine at the E.R. just need to keep an eye on him, watch his temperature and make sure he doesn't start coughing because he could develop pneumonia from the water in his lungs. Unfortunately they are unable to see just plain water in lungs unless it starts to cause an infection. Well I'm positive he inhaled water, but it is just going to have to work its way out on its own. Hopefully with the help of his inhaler we can keep his throat and lungs open enough that no infection starts. Hahaha The only problem is that he screams when I give him his inhaler. No it doesn't hurt him, he just really doesn't like it. I don't blame him either, I took a puff on it, and it tastes disgusting!

I ordered Christopher's cake today for his birthday. Tomorrow I am hoping to go shopping with Davey and pick him up a few decorations, and presents. Nothing too extreme, just a few things, after all I have to save something for Christmas!
I'm really excited about him turning 1 year old. He is only 6 days away from it! Less than a week Yay! Unfortunately it doesn't look like my mom is going to be coming, but there is a possibility that my dad is, so that will be nice to have some family around. I have also invited a few people from the church, (friends of ours) to come over and celebrate with us by having dinner. We are eating over at my best friend Amanda's home. Her place is A: a LOT cleaner than ours is and B: has a lot more room. So it's really nice that she's doing it. (I think she just really wanted to make sure that she was invited. Hahaha Just kidding)

Never again

I am going to try my hardest to never again wait so long without doing laundry. It makes it feel like it will never end! As soon as one load is done in the washer, pop it over to the dryer, start another in the washer, look down and the basket still has clothes in it! I never even considered that I personally had a lot of clothes, or that Davey did, or Christopher really for that matter, but we all do! The piles become very large when you are folding them. Christopher gets his own basket of clothes for goodness sakes that I get to put away in his room. Davey and I each have our own dresser, and Davey even has his closet for the over flow of clothes that don't fit in the dresser. I have a huge 50 gallon tote filled with maternity clothes and SWEATERS! Man do I have a lot of sweaters, and they take up a lot of room! There isn't many places in the apartment for us to store stuff. I think its time that I go through my clothes and decide what is going to go to Goodwill, or if it is in just bad shape it can go straight to the trash. That should free up a lot of space. Unfortunately it makes it hard to get rid of clothes when you don't know where you are going to go in the future. We don't know where we are moving after we move back to Minnesota and Davey gets his first call. If it is someplace cold, I'm going to need all of those bulky sweaters, if it is someplace warm, I can toss most of them, and keep just a few for the chilly days where I'm at, and the visiting back East.
I can't wait to know where we are finally going to be. Davey is really hoping to come back here, to the synod that he is currently working in. He's hoping to get in good with the bishop so that he requests that Davey comes back out here. Then it will just be a matter of finding an open church (not hard to find, thank goodness!) interviewing there, and seeing where it is that God wants us to be.
I'm hoping it will be near Atascadero, where we are currently living. Davey and I both love this area. It's got the nice "small town" feel, and it also has a nice "city" feel. It is working on expanding, they are planning to put in a movie theatre, which will be nice. I love going to the movies, and possibly a Wal-Mart.
There are a lot of people that are against Wal-Mart going up, especially in places that aren't a big city just because it drives small businesses out of business because they can not compete with the prices. I personally shop at Wal-Mart, but can understand the economic problems that it poses on small communities. If you don't work at Wal-Mart it becomes hard to find a job. Not to mention that they don't offer all full time employees benefits. Wal-Mart is great for families on a tight budget. With the living costs constantly on the upward spiral, and no sign of minimum wage being raised (which adds a nice boost again in living costs) it's hard not to shop for the cheaper merchandise. However Wal-Mart supports a lot of waste. It is filling up our landfills even more, just like Ikea is. They make cheap furniture that doesn't last, and what happens to it? Well it's not suitable to use for any other purpose so it goes to the dump. No big deal though because you didn't pay that much for it in the first place. So I guess it's best to try and buy something 2nd hand, preventing it from filling up a landfill, or when purchasing, make sure that you pay for what you get. Go ahead and spend more on the nicer things, because they are going to last you a lot longer. A couch that you buy at walmart for $99.00, you are lucky to make it through the year with, however one that you spend upward of $600 - $1,000 for is going to last you 20 years. So in the long run it is saving you money. :)
I'm amazed at how this entry started with laundry.

One of those days

Well today has been tough for me. I'm physically worn out, and emotionally ready to just quit and start over. I feel so over my head, frustrated, aggrivated, and annoyed with my life, and the worst feeling of all, trapped.
I have no where to run to, no ONE to run to, and no one I really feel that comfortable talking with about everything.
I want to just run away from all of my problems, pack Christopher up and him and I just start a new life together. Just him and I. No one else. No friends to hurt us, no other parent to argue with, just a fresh clean start.
However I've been told that that would be a lot more work than fixing the current situation that I am in right now. Doesn't seem like it to me though.
I have my good moments about being back in California, and my bad moments. As a wife, I feel like I've given it my all and it was completely wasted, as a mother, I feel like I need a little break but it will never happen, and as a person I want a friend.
Argh!!

Optimistic? New Approach

Well for those of you that don't know, a long while ago (Feb 06) I was diagnosed with depression. Ever since I've been on medicine to control my mood. Unfortunately when I don't take my pills for 2 weeks I tend to become depressed. . . (hahaha weird how that happens isn't it?) Well I don't like how I am without my medicine. I'm unhappy, I get stressed out easily, and I don't enjoy my life. I remember the summer that I was taking my medicine. I was a really pleasant person to be around. I was funny, well at least I thought that I was funny, I laughed a lot and I really enjoyed myself. I was outgoing, and now I'm not. So I'm going to try and get back onto my pills. It is going to be hard for the first two weeks because you don't really see any improvement, and with a bad mood it's really easy to stop. I've started and stopped a lot, and there are side effects for about a month (sometimes only 2 weeks) that don't make me feel good. Like being nauseated, which also give me a reason to stop.
So with the help of my friends, I am hoping to improve my life. I enjoy being a mother to Christopher, so much that I want to have another baby. I love the love that I feel for him. His hugs are the best thing in the world to me. I love that he cries when I walk out of the room, because he just wants to be near me. I love that he laughs as he walks back and forth through our apartment, I love that he is mischievious and puts things in the dogs water dish. I can't really imagine loving him any more, but I can love life more. So that's what I'm going to do. For me, for him, for my husband, for my friends, for my family, and most importantly for God.
I've been very disconnected from God for quite a while. I haven't really praised him since Christopher was born. I haven't felt his presence in my life much, and I think that is why I have such a hard time with Davey devoting his life, and career to become a pastor. I'm not as close to God as I wish I was.
I push back and fight at the thought of growing closer to him. It just doesn't seem real to me. I don't want to become a Bible Thumper, tapping on the good book every time something happens. Someone died, go to God; someone was born, go to God; I've had a fight with a friend, go to God. I like to think of myself as independent, that I don't need that much support in my life. I realize that I do need the help, but why is it that I would rather get it from a friend, or family member worrying about if I am bothering them with my problems, than to go to the one who is ALWAYS there for me, that doesn't hurt me, that loves me unconditionally? I don't think that it's because he deals with a lot of other people's problems. That's just who he is. He's capable of doing that, it's a foolish answer that we only use to give some sort of reason, but really we know that it's not the reason. I'm not sure what the reason is. . .

New Start

Today was an interesting day, it definitely had it's frustrating moments.
I begun the day with a new routine! Of this I am excited about. I have begun to watch my friend's twins. Ashley and Aiden, who are very close to turning 2 years old. It is part time, and about 3 days a week for a few hours. I'm very excited about this, and am happy that I am able to bring in some disposable income for my family so that my friends, husband, son and I can have some fun exploring Central California!
After coming home I fed Christopher lunch, then he fell asleep drinking his bottle and I put him in his crib. It only lasted 10 minutes before he was freaking out crying. He was literally shaking, and had a look of terror on his face. I don't know what happened, but he's never done that before when I've put him down to go to sleep. I picked him up and it took a minute before he calmed down, but when he did he was up. . . I waited for a while and put him back to bed when Pastor Carl arrived to watch football. I'm not sure how long he slept because I forgot to turn on the baby monitor. I went in there to check on him, he was awake, face beat red from crying, tears soaking his cheeks, and look like he was hysterical. That made me feel terrible. I brought him out and after an hour of a fussy boy, a quick sugary snack brought him back to the laughing baby walking all over the apartment holding toys. It was hilarious, now that he can walk, he walks from one end of the apartment and back, again and again. That to him is the funnest game. He's in bed now sleeping in his crib, not crying, and I don't think that anything really happened in the crib, maybe he just let out one more VERY STRONG attempt to not sleep in the crib. Unfortunately I can't give in like that, I'll just hope that he never does that again.
It's off to bed for me, I'm exhausted and I need to wake up early tomorrow morning to watch the twins again! YAY!!! (No seriously, I'm actually excited.)